I guess it is only fitting that I spent Easter Sunday dinner today discussing religion vs. faith with my friends mother while her husband nodded continuously in agreement at both of us. It was enjoyable but it made me miss my own mother. I wish she was still here. I wonder what our conversations would be like today. It’s making me want to engage in the I syndrome. Some good old fashioned heart felt venting. Maybe she’s listening. I want to pout and be angry that she left too soon. I want to cry because she’s not here to talk to me when I feel this way. I’m misunderstood. I care too much. I’m sensitive. I can be annoying. I tend to be overbearing. I just want to be quiet. I don’t know how to fade into the background where I think I prefer it. I’m a lot. I’m a blurter. I don’t want people to misconstrue what I say or what I do. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to care that people just don’t get me. I don’t want to be given a story. I have overwhelming emotions. I don’t always know how to express myself.  I learned recently that sharing is not an option. I don’t like vulnerable. It makes me self conscious. It’s confusing. It annoys me. I am working too much. I am off balance.  I don’t recognize myself. My mind won’t shut up and earplugs won’t help. I know not to believe half of what I think. I know my job is crazy. I know I need a break. I’m over worked and over tired. I can’t catch up. I’m having moments when I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel crazy. I need sleep. Getting it out on paper is supposed to help. I wish I could just squeeze every last bit of what I’m feeling out of me like toothpaste. I don’t know why someone would want to take there own life. I don’t like the way that makes me feel. I don’t want to care so much about people. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea. I don’t want to worry or be maternal. I wish I wouldn’t have answered the phone. I wish I could bring my mother back. I hope she’s with the angels. I am grateful the archangels look over me. I hope there is a heaven. I hope for a peaceful world. I like the idea that everyone knows love. I am in dire need of yoga. I’m all over the place. I can’t come down to earth. There’s no reprieve from the constant demands of the job. The hours. The countless days in a row. It’s no wonder I’m not myself. I need a break. I need a week on a secluded beach with surfing and yoga and peaceful meditation. I need to be one with the universe. I need the moon. I need to smile with the stars. I need the sounds of the ocean to wash over me while I rest. I wonder if other people get like this. I wonder how they handle it. I like how easy it is to say what I want to say and not care how it sounds or worry what someone might think it means. I like being alone. It’s okay that I don’t want someone in my life now. I think it’s funny that my friends think it’s weird. It’s okay it scares me to lose myself in someone. I don’t want to feel loss again. I have plenty of time. I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ll stay like this for now. I like being in my place of power. I like when I have strength. I’m not a big fan of how tired I keep finding myself lately. I don’t want to care what people think or even say. I want to let go. I want to be myself again. I look forward to a tranquil mood. I hope it finds me soon. I hope tomorrow is as great a day as today was. I hope I get out of my head and back into the moment. I hope I can sleep.