It was slow and progressive this time. Once the scent of my favorite perfume no longer lingered I should have known. But I was blinded by what I thought I wanted. Misguided by false hopes and just like that my power as a woman was gone and my spark with it. My very existence dissipating to ash like one of my grandmothers Pall Malls. It wasn’t quite taken away like my childhood was, no this was different. This was methodical and abiding. It hadn’t occurred to me I was losing. How could I be so blind? I was too old and had been through too much to not admit it to myself. It was time to look in the mirror and let the vulnerability of reality slap me in the face. Well let me tell you, it stings. The hand prints of mistakes all over me; more like a trademark than a branding. What is it with these hard lessons? I used to quote that saying “God will never give you more than you can handle. I wish he didn’t trust me so much” followed by a sincere giggle. I thought it was cute and witty. I don’t anymore. This may come across as some deep rooted wallowing and maybe it is but there should still be a message at the end of all this. Well one can only hope.
I know I have been looking at this all wrong. I have been studying the relationship patterns that seem to be on a loop and I can’t help but be reminded of a significant lesson learned at the Hoffman Quadrinity Process. My coach told me don’t be so quick to blame yourself for everything. Having trust issues doesn’t mean you’re paranoid. Chances are you are going to subconsciously attract people into your life who can’t be trusted. If it’s all you know it has to present itself in your life to prove yourself right. Huge epiphany for me at the time. One of the greatest lessons of awareness I’ve ever known.
You know the adage “knowing is half the battle”? Well it’s bullshit. It’s the whole battle and it keeps repeating itself like mercury retrograde has something to do with it. (if you believe in that sort of thing) The story I told myself kept me reliving the past. Repeating the pain so I could experience what was familiar to me. Like most adult children of alcoholics I had a fear of losing control, high burden of responsibility and constant approval seeking. I had harsh self-criticism and low self esteem, denial and difficulties with intimacy. You get the idea. The list is a long one and all of my so called acquired attributes lead to one question, “How could I, the daughter of a genius mother be so obtuse?”
I read a really great article recently on the theory of recycling. The possibility that our lives aren’t linear, that time is moving in a spiral and it makes sense. It explains why things repeat themselves. You ever hear the expression “Different face same circumstance”? These are the banners of your spiraling life overlapping/passing each other in time. The echo’s of the years of lessons that are bringing you closer to accountability. I don’t know about you but I seem to learn the most when I am flat faced in the proverbial gutter and the only way to go is up.
My guardian angels send me clues but when I’m wrapped up in the banners of time I can’t hear them. But I know they are there so I don’t give up. They don’t give up. Slowly helping me back toward the light. Showing me that each time is a little different and I come out of it a lot stronger. Today is one of those days. They helped me open a door within my soul that I didn’t know existed and one I believe will lead to true freedom – My truth.
This time the message came from what I thought at the time, was an unlikely source. But when the angels set a ball in motion it’s hard to ignore. It’s like they are standing over you as the morning comes and they’re all yelling “Hello Sunshine!” to force you out of bed.
A slew of unexpected events that literally turned my life upside down, found me sitting across from a woman that I have long since respected but never met. We worked remotely for most of the prep but I couldn’t help but think there was more to this then meets the eye. Sitting across from each other on set she reminded me that I have to stand up for my values. That their is a community out there of women who are supportive and encouraging. She shared with me some of her experiences and let me know I wasn’t alone. She inspired me to break free from the self inflicted chains that bind me and to feel the fear and do it anyway. She shared with me a tool that I could use to keep my self accountable on a daily basis. I plan to. This is what it’s about. And somehow this one on one woman time gave me a strength I didn’t know I was lacking. The courage to stop suppressing my truth and instead to pummel through it with compassion and integrity.
It starts with me. If I am going to change the format of the recycled strips of my life I have to go back and face an old friend.
Having made my first of many statistics lists before my first birthday, I believed my fate was sealed. Having come into this world because it was to late for other arrangements it was inevitable that I struggled to find my place in the world. Once lonely, many times angry and a lot of times lost. Angry at the genius mother who couldn’t love me, lonely for the military father who was never there and lost to myself because I didn’t know any better. Too often letting other people’s behaviors trigger my transferences.
The truth is I always survive. I always choose life because I believe I am here to tell a story. I have messages for the girls and the women who were born into chaos and don’t know we are here to help each other. Looking back now. I know I wish I had a me. Hell sometimes I still do because I’ve gone down another rabbit hole I am trying to find my way back from. My consistent companion lately has been the depression of my childhood. The one constant that doesn’t leave or ever walk out on me. The one thing that keeps banging down my door insisting that we spend time together. I want to fight back. I don’t want to rely on it anymore. I want to scream get the fuck out of here and slam the door in it’s face. How do you fight something that has been a part of you for so long you didn’t know it was ruining your life?
I’ve come to know a new kind of pain. Fear actually. I stopped knowing who I am. I surrounded myself with negativity and it took away my light. I pushed friends away on purpose and let myself be alienated from my own life. I threw myself into my job working twelve to fourteen hour days and weekends. The denial gripped me so hard it was inevitable that my body shut down. Constant pain and then thirty pounds gained, my hormone levels were so low I started to have the kinds of thoughts they have 800 numbers for. The stress of work and life coupled with the denial of my true values shut me down and now breast surgery is around the corner again. This is my body calling out to my intellect, my inner child and my spiritual self to wake up. For every emotional attachment their is a physical ailment. When the body speaks the mind must listen. The admission of self inflected emotional pain from years of bad choices and it’s time to get congruent. Do or die. Now or never.
I’m depressed. If I’m honest with myself I’ve been depressed for quite a while. Depression is a fucked up friend. A confidant that feeds you lies because it’s desperate for your company. It cripples you into believing that you deserve what happens to you. It surrounds you in misery and mediocrity. It lowers your vibrational levels and threatens to kill your dreams. To say I have been feeling misplaced and misunderstood is an understatement. And when I say this I mean with myself. I’ve been feeling vulnerable and it has backfired against me. I tried to reach out but it is received on deaf ears. I tried so hard to follow through on accepted invitations but with every attempt I get wrapped tighter in her grip as she whispers incessantly in my ear.
So many missed moments, missed opportunities and missed encounters. I can’t go back now. But I can go forward. I can keep moving toward the future and toward my dreams still yet to be lived. I need to get off my ass to do what matters. I know there is a lot of life to live. I know I am not alone. I know that as my tears fall across this keyboard that I’m not the only one crying. I was supposed to be dead a long time ago and many times since. I’m still here. And even tho I feel lost, I’m still wondering and even tho I’m wondering it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m lost. I’m just trying to find my way to where I’m supposed to be.
It’s ok to be alone and not be lonely and it’s also ok to be lonely sometimes. There is strength in admission. I have lost many opportunities and more days to this uninvited friend. I have given up my power as a woman more times than I care to admit but I also know the power in me is stronger then these times and every time I rise I do so like a dragon dancing around the sun. Embracing what the change of the wind could be bringing me next and what I have to offer. The way to true healing is to heal others. To be of service. I have a message and I plan to share it because not all who wonder are lost.
Special thank you to Melissa Larsen for being honest with me and helping me be honest with myself. This feels really empowering and I am determined more to show up to my life! Thank you.
220110cookie-checkHello Sunshine!