My last entry ended with me saying that I was in a mood.  And it’s true.  I have been in a mood alright.  My moods have been on the pendulum swing but this time I rode it.  I didn’t want to get off.  I needed to ride it.  Ride it out and figure out what messages I could deduce in the music.  

The orchestration of my life has missing notes, broken melodies and chords off key.  It’s loud at times and barely audible at others.  I realize that while a symphonist can have the intent to make the most beautiful of music, with no composer that orchestra will produce nothing but noise.  Orchestration needs to be cared for and guided and protected or it ends up being a red hot mess of sound.  Broken composition, misguided adaptation and notes played off key are musical suicide.

That’s me.  A struggling red hot mess that was born to a life with no composer.  But in that pain I find comfort.  I find the beauty in what’s around me and I have a romance novel level of hope.  

I was born into a certain circumstance.  I didn’t choose it.  I didn’t buy it.  I can’t let it hold me back.  And I sure as hell can’t let it define me.  It’s what I am doing with this information that determines who I am now.  And who I am now, is a girl who wakes up everyday and looks herself in the mirror and says, “Okay! Today is the day!  Let’s fix something that is broken and move on!”

I’ve been doing a lot of research for my documentary.  I have been studying the consequences of child neglect and verbal abuse.  It has been inevitable that I be reminded and with that affected.  I see some of these consequences in myself for sure.  The ones that I try to rise above everyday.  It’s not easy.  No one ever said it would be easy.  But I am doing it.  I get up everyday and face something else about myself that I don’t like but that I am thankful to be aware of.  

What I am also realizing is the importance of not dwelling and replaying the incidents of my past that I am not proud of.  All I can do is know that it takes two people to have a conversation, a misunderstanding, or a disagreement.  Just like it  takes two people to say I am sorry, I love you and I am here for you always.  

I push people away, nothing is ever good enough and sometimes I can be really hard to reason with.  But I also have a history of doing what I can to help people find a better path for themselves.  I also have a history of moving on or they move on.  Sometimes it ends in a fight and sometimes it ends in a hug and a couple of elephant tears.  Sometimes it hurts and sometimes I am thankful to see them go.  

In all of this I have also mastered the art of being accountable.  I know exactly what I am doing.  And I apologize when I am wrong.   Sometimes I think I apologize even when I think the other person should be doing the apologizing just to keep the peace.  Sometimes I really don’t give a sh*t one way or the other.   Like now.

Right now I care the most about my recovery, my happiness and all the people I want to try and help with my documentary.  I spent the first quarter of my life partying, arguing and running.  I don’t want to run anymore.  I want to face life head on and put the denial behind me.  It’s time to be brutally honest with myself and everyone around me.  

I am lucky to have people that believe in me and love me in spite of my misgivings and apprehension.  People who don’t insist on picking away at what’s left of me when I can do that all on my own.  People who share in the beauty and the struggle but are still verbally complimentary.  People who don’t insult me or try to engage me in negative exchanges.  It’s like I have said before negativity breeds like a cancer.  And cancer will kill you.  I’m not ready to die.

In all of my self discovery, somehow I have found laughter in my tears, joy in my struggles, and a willingness to persevere.  I’ve been doing a lot of laughing lately.  And all things considered the fact that I can find stuff to laugh about is very encouraging.  My endeavors find me hopeful and surrounded by an amazing group of friends.  Friends that I consider to be my family.  And together we make beautiful music.

The perfect epiphany.  I am now my own composer.  The life I am orchestrating is filled with positivity, love and laughter.

I am loved.  And maybe my friends love me for the same reasons I am starting to love me.  Because I am still here and I am still smiling.  Even when I am crying.

Thanks mom.  Where ever you are.  If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be where I am.