The consciousness of my innate nature spoke to me in a way that I hadn’t heard before. I’ve been so busy trying to conform to the expectations of society that I forgot to listen to what my soul was trying to tell me. I’ve always known I am different. I also know that when you spend your childhood without a hug it does something to you.
I’ve kind of rebelled against the patterns that can be caused by neglect. I tend to be very affectionate and overly verbally complimentary. I love to make people laugh and my intention is always to lift peoples spirits when I can. I am a giver and it makes me feel good to give back. I’m lucky to be here and it’s a miracle that I am who I am. Aren’t we all in some way, shape or form?
In my awareness I have a simple truth, when it comes to the possibility of a relationship I can be quite awkward. Being vulnerable makes me uncomfortable so I have embraced the power of being alone and I realize, it’s when I feel the most confident. Sometimes in a room full of people is when I feel the most alone. It’s who I am and it’s time to stop trying to be something I am not. I am far from being Thoreau but I am just not that social anymore. I used to have 100 friends and went out every night. Now I have 5 friends that I see on the occasional outing and it’s usually during the day. Times change and you have to join your life during the adaptations of existence.
I spent time with a friend on Saturday night that is very unhappy with his current state of affairs. It was hard to hear one of my oldest friends be in this much pain over certain decisions he has made. In the end I came home to sit on my patio, staring out into the night sky and accessed my own situation.
I am so lucky and fortunate to have a great career. I am 20 pages away from my first novel. I am on the brink of launching an amazing new company and I am in the best shape I have been in a very long time. That’s a lot to be grateful for!
But I’ve also been trying to hard. I have been pursuing a means to an end based on an idea that doesn’t always exist. Most of my friends are either in relationships or engaged or married. So in my head, the pressure was on. Well, until now.
I met someone I really liked and in my excitement, I got pretty overbearing and wanted to control the situation. I found myself with walls down and no boundaries and wanted to hang out with this person all the time. The feelings weren’t mutual but my ego wouldn’t heed the flags on the play. I kept knowingly setting myself up for rejection. But here’s the interesting thing. Along the short journey of exchanges I did exactly what I knew would push him away. My own version of How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days and it worked like clockwork. My relationship vibrational level is askew and I recognize it now.
I have finally become the woman I always knew I was supposed to be and in my strength I found a way to let go.
The more you feel good the more you want to feel good. And if you’re going to be strong you will want strong people around you. God is protecting you and the Universe is keeping you on your course.
My friend said the other night, “When we meet our perfect matches, we won’t push them away and anything that happens to us in between is simply the experience it’s supposed to be”.
Well, why does it have to be that deep? Why can’t people just be friends and hang out for free. Why do we have to put so much pressure on everything? Why can’t we be honest about it all?
Yeah, exactly.
I have had some amazing relationships in my life and I have known love. And now I realize that I love myself the most and in this I really can’t settle. And actually, this is what makes me the happiest and that’s okay.
May we all find our happy and may we always stay true to ourselves. Don’t conform to society because it’s expected. Step out into your life of the unexpected and be miraculous. Finally.
. photo courtesy of http://www.1freewallpaper.com/landscape-wallpaper/