In spite of my awkward sensibilities and everything I’ve ever known, I experienced a new found empowerment. With my flushed colored cheeks shielded by the phone line, I waited for the rings to stop and the voice to meet me on the other end. Before I had a chance to stop myself, I could hear my own foreign words escape me, “You’re right, I do push people away and I don’t want to do it anymore”.
I’ve said it on paper many times. I’ve even said it to people as an explanation or excuse for who I was. But actually saying it aloud with the intention of not doing it? This is new territory.
And what a relief. With one sentence, I was released from everything I had ever known. Unencumbered by the pressure of the past, free to be humble, I let the vulnerability make me whole. No more tests. No more setting people up for failure. I may be my mothers daughter but I don’t have to appropriate her quest for isolation.
No more pushing people away.
People are important and friendships are blessings. They may change shape or subtleties as we grow and become who we are going to be but the evolution of the exchanges aren’t to be toyed with or taken for granted. Connections aren’t easy to come by and when we come across the ones that are special, the ones that make us look at ourselves and want to be better people, those are the ones you fight for.
Life is a really big puzzle and the pieces will eventually fit perfectly if you keep at it. Your puzzle won’t ever be complete if you don’t figure out where you fit in. Because you really are meant to fit in. Being a self inflicted outsider can make for some really good art. But we’re not all artists. We’re just people trying to figure out our place in it all. And we can only do that if we’re all together.
Being alone may teach you some things. But being visible and being accepted is where the true course of time will unravel some of life’s greatest miracles. Some people were meant to join our journey. We should let them. We should let people be people and we should come fully loaded and present and thankful for the company.
We are who we are and while we should always strive to be better, we need to stay true to our innate nature. When you meet people who think you’re worth it, it’s because you are. You always were.
When you can be yourself and no one judges you or second guesses you, you’re home. And when you’re home it’s safe to say you’re sorry and mean it.
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photo courtesy of http://randolphcarter.deviantart.com/art/Zen-Wallpaper-21852399