Film, Fiction and in Life
From as early on as birth and through most of our lives, we seem to exist in the context of our relationships. We search, long and yearn for connections, intimacy and belonging and most of us have a natural proclivity toward kinship, partnership and love. Earlier experiences can influence, if not define, how we interact in present and/or future relationships (Noller and Feeney, 2014). One of the many great impactful adventures to come out of the formation of interpersonal relationships is that of the “friendship.” And the friendship (platonic relationship) between a man and a woman may very well be considered one of the last great mysteries (Werking, 1997). The existence of platonic friendships has been well represented in pop culture and in fiction but are they accurate reflections of real life? How might real relationships be affected when there is a status change? Can this kind of friendship survive in marriage?
Men and Women Can’t Be Friends. Or Can They?
There is much debate around the topic of platonic cross sex relationships because of the element of sexual attraction. Research has provided that at least one side of the equation experiences attraction to the other, showing that this sexual attraction influence falls mostly on men and in some cases women. This examination also shows evidence of the challenges of such ancillary feelings that can be a hindrance to the (platonic) friendship (Bleske and Buss, 2000) thereby threatening its capability and possibility.
By nature people are hopeful (Bloeser and Stahl, 2017) so they turn to entertainment to bask in the possibility of the never-ending friendship. It is one of the emotions that make movies popular. Everyone of a certain age has most likely seen the movie “When Harry Met Sally” (Reiner, 1988) with Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan that was written by Nora Ephron and directed by Rob Reiner. Aside from one of the most famous lines ever repeated from a movie, “I will have what she is having” (Reiner, 1988) there was also a very popular exchange between Harry and Sally on whether men and women could be friends.
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Harry: |
You realize of course that we can never be friends. |
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Sally: |
Why not? |
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Harry: |
What I’m saying is… and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form, is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. |
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Sally: |
That’s not true, I have a number of men friends and there’s is no sex involved. |
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Harry: |
No you don’t. |
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Sally: |
Yes I do. |
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Harry: |
No you don’t. |
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Sally: |
Yes I do. |
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Harry: |
You only think you do. |
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Sally: |
You’re saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge? |
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Harry: |
No, what I’m saying is they all want to have sex with you. |
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Sally: |
They do not. |
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Harry: |
Do too. |
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Sally: |
They do not. |
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Harry: |
Do too. |
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Sally: |
How do you know? |
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Harry: |
Because no man can be a friend with a woman he finds attractive, he always wants to have sex with her. |
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Sally: |
So you’re saying that a man can be a friend with a woman he finds unattractive. |
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Harry: |
Nuh, you pretty much wanna nail’em too. |
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Sally: |
What if they don’t want to have sex with you? |
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Harry: |
Doesn’t matter, because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. |
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Sally: |
Well I guess we’re not going to be friends then. |
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Harry: |
Guess not. |
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Sally: |
That’s too bad. You are the only person I knew in New York (when harry met sally, 1977). |
The film “When Harry Met Sally” (Reiner, 1988) is not the only representation of the topic of whether men and women can be (platonic) friends. Pop-culture is peppered with the possibility of the male/female BFF (best friend forever) dynamic. One of the most popular multi-award winning shows was made famous by the chemistry between Liz (Tina Fey) and Jack (Alec Baldwin) in “30 Rock” (Sitcom, first aired 2006). As the episodes unfold this mentor/mentee relationship quickly grows into a (platonic) friendship. Shows like “Parks and Recreation” (Sitcom, first aired 2009) nailed it with the friendship between Leslie (Amy Poehler) and Ron (Nick Offerman). Their chemistry was the epicenter behind the success of the show. Another well-known power couple of sorts that is worth mentioning is Peggy (Elisabeth Moss) and Don (Jon Hamm) from “Mad Men” (Drama, first aired 2007). Peggy starts out as Don’s assistant but over the years she proves to be his equal and even as competitors it is evident that their (platonic) friendship withstands the challenges. These are just few of the popular shows that defy the concept that men and women cannot be friends by giving us wonderful love-filled friendships that are also strictly platonic (Zlotnick, 2019). And we must not overlook the proof of how obsessed we are with the possibility that these relationships can exist. These shows have been some of the longest running programs in history airing for thirteen, ten and twelve years respectively.
An interesting flip side to this is where are the platonic male/female relationships in classic literature? From what I could gather (Cinderace, 2015, Mullins, 2017) most literary works are based on platonic relationships with same sex characters or too often what may start out as male/female friendships quickly take a turn toward the romantic (Mullins, 2017).Maybe that is because friendships are complicated and mostly tend to be inherently unbalanced while romantic readings take us into a fantasy realm that you can only experience in literature. It does not mean platonic protagonists do not exist in books at all. After all, two of the most famous characters of this century were Harry Potter and Hermione Granger (Rowling, 1997) from the fantasy novel series “Harry Potter” and they managed to stay platonic friends throughout all seven books of the series.
The Foundation of the Relationship and Can a Friendship Reside Here
Let us turn now away from fiction and to life. Can platonic friendships between a man and a woman supersede the audience challenge? As cross-sexual friendships become a more standard dynamic (O’Meara, 1989) they are still not without their challenges. Cross-sex friendships are a relatively new concept. For instance, in as currently as our parent’s generation it would have been rare to see and even today it is not considered exactly common. But they do exist and more so now then ever. Studies have shown that men and women who partake in these friendships view them as relationally significant. These participants report that their cross-sex friendships work because they are less competitive and their communication styles compliment each other (Rawlins, 2009). Today not only has it become more common, but also research purports that young adults tend to have numerous cross-sex friendships (Schoonover & McEwan, 2019). The question then becomes what drives this cross-sex friendship and how can it survive?
Social Exchange Theory, Comparison Levels and Maintenance
Most friendships come with expectations and anticipation. There is a fundamental need to fulfill certain psychological expectations whether consciously or unconsciously by the participants. A supposition that there be a balance of give and take usually exists (Homans, 1961). To maintain this kind of stability takes effort, compromise and the ability to peacefully reach resolution for any conflicts. For instance, if we think of our relationships like we would our business, an economic model develops called social exchange theory. This argues that our behavior is incentivized by an aspiration to maximize gain and minimize depletion (Homans, 1961). If both sides of a relationship are giving of equal value then the relationship should endure.
The expectations and the comparison levels (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959) can be different for each partner and they hold value and weight on the outcome. Thibaut and Kelley’s (1959) theory of comparison levels (CL) suggests that one person in a relationship can have the expectation that it be rewarding (high CL) while the other person may not (low CL). These perceptions of the relationship are what motivate the participants to either stay in it or move on. And while for some, balance and benefits are the keys to longevity, for others chaos and confusion becomes the silent partner in the room. An interesting dichotomy is that in both cases people can stay on the partnership (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959).
Further to Thibaut and Kelley (1959) suggestions, relational consequences are appraised respective to each partner’s expectations. People tend to have a preconceived notion of what they deserve whether consciously or unconsciously motivated and these perceptions can play a crucial part in the capacity of these personal relationships (Thibaut & Kelley, 1959). Relationship maintenance becomes necessary and can be quite unique. The partnership must engage in supportive tactics that are beneficial to each party and according to a series of studies (Dainton, 2000)those behaviors usually fit within five relational behaviors. They are are positivity, assurances, openness, sharing, and social-networks (Dainton, 2000). For most people, these relational behaviors are fundamentally important constructs for relationship sustainability especially when an already platonic relationship moves into marriage.
Marriage in one form or another has been cross-cultural for many centuries. In years past, marital unions were arranged for two families to join wealth and/or increase land holdings. Other common reasons were to expand social relations and/or to boost political connections. While love usually had little if anything to do with these exchanges, it is not to say that love did not exist or even transpire out of these mergers. Over the years, as the world changed, so did courtship. In the 20thcentury for instance the relationship dynamic has been wrought with many outside circumstances that have lead to an incline in divorce rates and/or not ever marrying at all (Parker-Pope, 2014). But marriages do happen and studies show that the relationships that make their way to the alter come with a higher set of circumstances and assumptions.
The Marital Friendship – Can Platonic Love Survive
Today finds that people also marry for many reasons and while love remains at the top, people also marry for things like fear of being along, security, financial mergers (still) and even because a clock is ticking or a child is on the way. Another motivation, for some, is to marry the best friend. Like the five behaviors (Dainton, 2000) dictate, a lot of time and energy gets invested into sustaining a friendship. When someone becomes a best friend it is usually because two people really get each other, they can rely on one another and they trust each other. A trusting loving friendship is very important for any relationship and can be particularly significant in a marriage that ultimately becomes platonic even if it did not start out that way and studies have shown that most marriages do become sexless marriages as couples grow old together (Schnell, 2019). Not all relationships need sex to be sustainable. Some couples thrive on emotional intimacy and this kind of closeness can strengthen the marital connection.
While there are mixed feelings about whether a sexless marriage can endure, it would seem that if a couple are in accord to what their needs are, then the marriage should survive. Being in a sexless marriage does not necessarily mean a loveless marriage. In an entry for the New York Times, (2019) Tara Parker-Pope explores what can happen when sex leaves a marriage in an interview with associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, Denise Donnelly. Donnelly’s studies produced mixed results and inspired mixed beliefs on the possibility of a successful sexless partnership. These relationship dynamics proved to be very complex and somewhat complicated in that most couples need to look within themselves to find the answers. The couples individual histories, goals and motivations need to be explored (Parker-Pope, 2019).
Since every situation is unique, for some, a platonic relationship can survive a long lasting marriage and/or partnership since having a partner with the same hobbies and interests can be enough (Parker-Pope, 2014). Also, being intimate in spiritual and/or intellectual ways can be enough to sustain a marriage. Another way intimacy can be fulfilled is simply by kissing and/or holding each other especially at night. Falling to sleep with a partners arm around us, can give a sense of comfort, safety and understanding. When a partnership is congruent in feelings and expectations commitment is established and can usually be maintained.
In Sickness and In Health
Whatever the marriage dynamic, one of the most important aspects is whether or not the alliance is healthy. To sustain a healthy platonic relationship could mean more steps for success but with the right foundation in place is feasible. Studies have shown significant and consequential insights that can be transformed into practical advise for preserving a happy and healthy union (Parker-Pope, 2014). A recent group study conducted by The Experiment Project, provided that 87% of the participants in the group reported love for their partner even thought they were not being intimate (Stef, 2018). There are other ways of bonding with each other to keep the relationship healthy like being considerate and loving. Being able to openly discuss individual needs within the context of the partnership and making a conscious effort to see that those needs are met is branded in a healthy exchange partnership. As long as both parties experience feelings of satisfaction and both are in agreement that sex is not a priority than sustainability can be found (Stef, 2018). Communication, honesty and compromise can be a solid basis for longevity in any relationship or marriage and not just in a platonic relationship or marriage.
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Image sourced from: https://www.hd-wallpapersdownload.com/free-hd-romantic-hd-wallpapers-3D/
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